Things by Ros

Opinions & Weird Stuff     April Fools' Day


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Real Horoscopes

It is estimated that there are 100-400 billion stars in the galaxy. Our galaxy is only one of an estimated hundred billion in the known universe. Many — perhaps most — of those stars have planets around them. If you assume one planet per star — and that is a very conservative assumption — we can come up with a (very rough) calculation: the number of planets in the visible universe is on the order of ten sextillion. And remember, the true number may be much, much higher.
Obviously, that means that the whole of humanity can be conveniently divided into a dozen broad stereotypes, roughly corresponding to when the Sun was located in a particular region of the sky a few thousand years ago. I mean, it's science, yes?
And let's just ignore those people who say that well actually the Sun goes through thirteen constellations now and the whole zodiac has precessed more than a full sign since the whole thing was first invented discovered. Or the ones who say that the doctor who delivered you had more gravitational pull than all of Jupiter, given how gravity falls with the square of the distance. Or the ones who say that horoscopes are just a byproduct of people wanting to divide humanity into broad stereotypes and thus simplify things such that they can fool themselves into believing that the world has a hidden order that only believers can see. Clearly, that's just crazy talk.
Besides, we all know that everyone born between, say, August 23rd and September 22nd are exactly the same. They have to be. It's science!
To make a long story short, I took a lot of super-sciencey scientific science stuff and mixed it with the most important contribution to the universe Humanity has ever come up with — pop culture — and the result is some of what must be the most amazingly accurate horoscopes ever seen!

— Roswell Camp, January 14, 2021